Mormonism and the Search for the 'One True Faith'

Faith is something I've always been interested in. I'd consider myself a faithful person and I'm definitely open to ideas and theories about religion. However, there's one thing about religion, and especially mans interpretation of what if any 'The One True Faith' is that ends up making the human race look like a bunch of medieval peasants pointing the finger at some poor old woman and screaming 'Witch!!' In fact it's worse than that, it's like a medieval peasant screaming 'Witch!!' and then when asked what evidence they had for her guilt coming back with ' She converses with the devil at night, I saw 'er...She 'ad Fire in 'er eyes, the whites were as black as coal!...And she ad 'orns!!' It 's mental. It's fucking stupid and the whole thing as far as I'm concerned needs bringing up to date or at least made less ridiculous.


Religion can bring out the best in people, it gives them hope and the idea of something bigger than they are to believe in. However it also appears to bring out something in people that unleashes the inner nutter from even the most otherwise mentally conservative and grounded of characters.

 The reason I've decided to have a bit of a gander at religion and in this case Mormonism, is because I was just walking back from my lunch break and two 'Mormons' (far too close to Morons that word) came up to me on their 'Mission'. Couldn't really be arsed to talk to them and I was going to be late but it did make me think.

It's not the first time I've been approached by nutters, er, sorry, Mormons, I was sitting on my doorstep last summer and a couple of them came up to me, they had a bit of a chat and said they were going to come back if I was up for it. I agreed as I'm pretty interested in hearing other peoples ideas on religion, also because I secretly concocted a plan that I'd try to get them drunk. Anyway, I thought I'd give them a go as like I said I'm interested in people's views on faith, especially if that faith and most of it's theology appears to be the most far fetched bunch of bollocks I could ever imagine in the grand scheme of far fetched bunches of bollocks ideas the world has ever seen. Oddly though despite my invitation the Mormon lads never turned up. Their loss.

So, the 'One True Faith'

Lets take a look at Mormonism  for a start. Right, as I said I'm open to ideas but if this is the 'One True Faith' then God's universal plan is more comical than I originally thought. You don't have to look far into Mormonism to pick up on how ludicrous it is. The painting above for example appears to be a blonde Jesus hanging around like some big head going 'look at me, I'm God's son! Check out how good this new Daz washing powder has made my white robe, wooh!' surrounded by people of all walks of life that are blown away and amazed at His Majesty.  What makes this painting more ridiculous than the fact that it's pretty unlikely Jesus would have been blonde is the setting. There's what appears to be an Aztec pyramid in the background which suggests that at some point our JC was in South America, more specifically looking at our mate with the Beatles hair and the Orange skirt at the front somewhere in or around the Peru area... Ok, so lets assume he's in Peru he's managed to get all the way there from Jerusalem.... In the 1st century AD a distance of approximately 7650 miles. Then he got all the way back to the middle East in order to get betrayed and crucified. Bollocks. Well, I thought this, but then I read a bit more and found out that the Mormons have an excuse for this. Apparently, the early indigenous people of America, (not sure where they got their solid evidence for this), believed and had witnessed Jesus a few hundred years before his birth in the traditional sense,  (down the stable with the kings and all that lark). I'm sorry but I don't believe it. I don't believe it at all. Also nowhere in the proper Christian bible is there any talk by Jesus' mates Matthew Mark, Luke, John etc of JC having pre-existed in South America, or alternatively taking this sabbatical off to the Inca trail. Utter shit. It was a picture like this in the Book of Mormon I was given by the two missionaries, and also a conversation I had with my brother that made me think if you've got a picture this fucking ridiculous in your gospel then I really need to know more...So I had a delve.

To cut a long story short and simplified to a level which is almost as infantesque as the story itself, this bloke Joseph Smith Jnr. has a dream where Jesus and God as two yet one entity visit him and tell him that he needs to go up this hill and find something that will put the Bible straight as it's gone off the rails a bit. So anyway Joe sets off and goes up a hill and finds these scrolls that were apparently left there many years before by some South American geezer that may or may not have been an incarnation of the Holy Spirit. ( I have a really stupid picture of this in my book of Mormon which depicts Joseph Smith as this hulking Arnold Schwarzenegger bodied hunk with the face of Charlton Heston, golden locks, pulling out these glowing scrolls, but unfortunately I haven't got access to it at this point, it's pure American wankery, worth seeing) Then.... (This bit I like most because he said this himself which just makes him sound like an arrogant tosser), he translates the entire gospel, 500 pages of it, from ancient South American text into English in 60 days... What a fucking knob. What a fucking American cock sucking fucking arsehole of a knob for claiming that. No need. 'I translated this' fair play, but why did he say the 60 day thing? It's just showing off. He said it was 'By the gift and the power of God' but it's not worth mentioning is it? The whole thing with the dream and the scrolls is enough we know it's God, no need to overcook it with that arrogant American arsehole record claim. I don't like the guy to be honest. Dick... Anyway, that's how it started, and the scrolls turn out to be the book of Mormon, blah blah,there's a bit of persecution and the followers hide in hills etc, then we get to today where they're walking round Leeds asking me to read their 'Message'...

The one thing that every Mormon seems to have overlooked, other than the South America trip in the 1st century, and I put this down to the American state of mind, is that the whole fucking thing is clearly, clear as crystal, that the whole thing is definitely made up to give America a piece of the Bible story. There's nothing else to it. Someone sat there, Joe Smith, whatever, thought I'm a Christian, but all this stuff happened thousands of miles away I want a piece of the pie, so he made that absolute bunch of twoddle up and people believed it. I think Mormonism is a good sign that people, if you put enough time and money into it will believe absolutely anything they are told. Donnie Osmond.. Why, oh, why?, and Crazy Horses was such a tune as well.

This is why in my opinion Mormonism is not the 'One True Faith'!