When you get on the bus....Does the nutter sit next to you? He sat next to Jasper Carrot, but I think Jasper had it easy. You see on my bus most of the people on there are nutters. I can't escape them.
Nutters are attracted to me like virgin nerds to Games Workshop, I can't get rid of the smeggers. My life consists of moments of normality interspersed with the intrusion of nutters. Jasper had one nutter on his bus. I have about ten nutters on my street! Proper nutters as well, I'm not talking 'woo he's a tad eccentric' I'm talking crazy shit. A couple of the people are like characters off One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, in fact, I think that bearded guy actually does live on my street, if not they are definitely brothers:
Proper nutters, I'm talking ridiculous. The bloke that lives next door to me thinks he's an alien. He's got little posters and signs up on the windows and doors saying that he's a 'Nebulon', It says 'Greetings and Salutations from the Nebulons' on the window next to his door, and he's got little stars and glittery stuff everywhere. It's fully weird. He's actually quite a clued up bloke but he does think he's an alien, and he has these obscure episodes. We used to have these students living above us. They had loud sex all the time so we called them 'The Shaggers'. Anyway, they made a complaint one morning that the Nebulon guy was playing his music too loud and he hit the roof. I've never seen anything like it. He shouted something about them shagging too loud then he ran out in the street, roared like a lion, then ran off down the road not to be seen for a couple of hours. It was surreal. I literally couldn't stop laughing for about ten minutes. It's just odd behaviour. My street is not normal.
this one guy, 'Mad Mark', he's got a caution from the police because he's constantly getting his knob out. All the time. Apparently he was having a roast dinner at some mates house at the end of the street (also nutters, I'll get to them later) and when the bloke of the couple went to the kitchen leaving his girlfriend with Mad Mark he just flopped it out and carried on eating like nothing was wrong. They kicked him out and Mad Mark got arrested about an hour later. Madness. I hear tales of it all the time. I literally can't escape this guy. He's everywhere I go. I can walk into any pub in town and he's there. This causes a bit of an issue because bar staff have started to refer to him as 'your mate'. I can't be done with this, it's the dark side of attracting nutters, people think that they are your best mate, and of course the nutter is always going to back this up. I can't have Mad Mark as a verified mate. He's a Beardy-Weirdy flasher. It's just not on. He's alright I don't mind having a grog with him sometimes but I can't have that 'your mate' tag. What if he gets his knob out in the pub. I could get barred by association.
The only reason that I know the roast dinner tale is because Halun (he's called Alan but that's how he talks) the nutter from the couple at the end of the street came round my flat and told us. He was worried at the time that the council were going to randomly knock down houses in our street which would leave weird gaps and wouldn't look very nice. I can't figure out why he had that fear but then, he is a nutter so whatever.
His girlfriend used to be a prostitute, she's quite odd as well. I remember when she was a beggar in town. She used to have quite long hair, then this one time came out of her flat and she'd bicced her head. I can't figure that one out either. It looked really odd. Like a fat rough Britney. Both her and Halun have this weird habit of knocking about everywhere just in their pants. I came back from my band rehearsal one night and she was just standing in the street in a small t shirt and her knickers. It was raining and cold. Very bizarre. One of the students at the other end of the street as well the other week had to break into his flat above hers and Halun came to the door wearing nothing but some very small black briefs. It was a horrific sight. I know what they'd been up to and it just doesn't bare thinking about. It's just like the worst free DVD you could ever imagine that comes with an amateur porn mag. Like, the Readers Wives triple shit edition. I can't think of anywhere shit enough, er..Darlaston edition perhaps, or parts of the outskirts of Manchester.
There's definitely some weird dis-robing thing going on in the street which brings me to my next house of nutters. The 'Kings of Fun'
It's a house where every single member of the household is weird. For years before I knew them I used to see them, three of them just sitting on the sofa lights on, blinds open. Just sitting. Like a shit Simpsons. Just sitting there all night not moving. Really odd. Anyway, as usual they are nutters so I started bumping into them and now I can't get rid of them. They come up to me all the time in the street. One of them came round the other night for me to unlock his phone. I wouldn't mind too much but you pressed the screen and it said press # to unlock. He just kept slapping the screen and making weird noises. I suppose they can be sweet though, he once showed me a photo of when he was in the school play..Like 40 years ago. He was proud of it. fair play, I wish I could be proud of something like that, I asked him what he was playing, 'a wizard'...He had the hat on and everything on the photo. He said he kept it but it got lost.....Probably for the best.
Another time he was sitting out on the wall. It was really hot that day. He came over to me and my girlfriend who were sitting outside our house and said 'I don't really like these shorts shall I go and change them?' I was like 'Whatever, yeah' They were alright just normal knee length camouflage shorts.
Anyway he goes in, comes back out with some much shorter shorts. Bit weird I thought but he kind of pulled them off in a 'dad doing the garden when you're a kid' way. Ten minutes pass. 'I don't like these shorts, I'm going to change them'. He goes inside..About 5 mins pass, the door opens...
....I didn't know what to say......
.... Honestly, I've never seen anything like it... Well I have but not for a long time. Tiny, red, Liverpool FC style shiny 80's shorts. Honestly, they were shorter than Kylie's hot-pants in that video that people like. Proper ball- skimmers. I'm sure he did a bit of a twirl at one point. It was just the wrongest thing ever. I think I saw anus.
Oddly enough though it's the second time I've seen those shorts. Another bloke had some that were pretty much exactly the same...The following WINTER (yes it was January I think)..coupled with a leather jacket, and non- leather upper shoes, you know, them types you see like in the window of Shoe Fayre or at markets where people have no teeth...(Or in Bilston.)
The look was unbelievably weird. So weird that I thought for a split second maybe short guy on my street was a fashion setter and it was all over the catwalks that Autumn.
..I can't even find any near short enough on a male. Got a few funny looks trying though ;-)
Shorts guy aside, he's actually normal compared to his flatmate.
This guy is something else. I woke up once at 3am on a work night, and George Michael Greatest hits was blaring out at about 120 dB, I looked out the window he's naked in his room like wandering about. Fortunately he's facing the door not the windows (which were totally open) but still. Then he disappears and I hear shouting, 'Fuck off, Fuck off you bastards!'. Ten minutes later the whole street's out looking puzzled, and then an ambulance and a copper turn up to take him away.
Apparently he'd got naked and ran around the house, and then locked himself in his room and put George on at full blast. These things just don't happen on other people's streets. I was knackered at work but it was so so worth it.
They're everywhere. There's a tramp in town with Tourette's. He's really annoying. I walk past him and he still recognises me from playing in town. He's like 'alright mate....CUUUUNNNTT!!!!, BUSKER FUCKING CUNNNT!!!..AAAARRGGHHH! Hows the music going?'
It's a bit much. I bought him a burger once. He called me a twat then said thanks. It's really strange.
There's so many nutters in Leeds that they kind of blend into normal. They're accepted more than anywhere I've ever known.
I used to go to an open mic.. Well I say mic it was totally unplugged. They had this bloke come in. Johnny. Total loon. Total. He used to carry a knife in his boot, not a butter knife, a fucking big Rambo knife. I asked this regular about it, he replied ' Well that's Johnny'..'That's Johnny!!??? What Johnny? The bloke off The Shining?...It's just acceptable in Leeds. Nuttery. That Johnny guy had an electric tennis racket. Acceptable, mind you we're in Leeds, they like all that weird shit.. 'Shoegaze'. Big news in Leeds. Weird shit, for nutters that wear cords and vote for independant's that have policie's like 'we shall only wear wicker' or 'Let's ban eating fruit from the tree. It's cruelty to fruit!'
I could go on forever on this topic because as I say I attract them.
When I used to be a busker I had the ultimate nutter, Rob.
This bloke was about 4 ft 1 and he's like a busker stalker. When you're playing he stands next to you and gets closer and closer until he's under your chin. It's just too much. He sings along with the words (which he makes up) out of tune and sometimes does a bit of a dance. It was another one of those times where everyone thought he was my mate. This one woman gave him a quid because she thought we were a double act.
Anyway busking aside, he's a pathological liar. He's mentally incapable of telling the truth. Here's a couple of Rob classics. I know loads because he'd literally stand by me for 6 hours every day:
1. He went on a trip to Blackpool on a coach. There was a terrible crash and Rob single handedly saved all the passengers from certain death as the coach was on fire.
I asked him why it didn't make the news. He just tapped his nose in that way only bookies and nutters do, winked and walked off.
2. He told me that he went out in new aftershave slept with 7 women, and they all asked him to marry them. Then there was a fight between said women, and he ended up going home on his own.
3. In a tent market thing in the middle of Briggate in Leeds a man pulled a knife, Rob used his martial arts skills that he'd learned in the Special Forces in order to disarm the man, knock him out, and even had time to stay for a pint.
4. He told me that the Royal Mint was bringing out a £25 note, and some people had them, but you had to apply to have one. Apparently Tristan McKay, another busker in town had one that day in his busking case.
They're everywhere...But you know what. They make the world interesting. Long live nutters, just in small doses
So when you get on the bus, does the nutter sit next to you? For me it's about the only time they don't!
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