I've been running open mics at a couple of venues in Leeds now for about 7 years.
Most of the performers are passable, some of them are bloody brilliant. Some have become proper mates, Some of them are lookalikes of early 1980's Bullseye contestants.
Early 1980's Bullseye contestant?
Leeds based musician Sebastian John?
( Here's his music) http://www.sebastopher.com/
This however isn't about them. This is about those performers that are bad. And I'm talking pretty damn awful
Performers that totally encapsulate the genre of 'Shitcore' and run with it.
Now, I'm not here to insult anyone and be nasty. These performers are the elite of shit-dom, they deserve this for their actions. Some by just being absolutely pants at what they do. Some by being so inebriated that all social skills are flung out of the window and their performance descends into a farcical surreal fiasco, and some that manage to insult people that beat other people to a pulp for a living.
Such performers were coined by my friend and former Assistant Manager at The Ship, Leeds, (where I ran Tuesday nights), Tom Carrick, as SHITEHAWKS!!
* 'The 'Arty' woman'.
You know sometimes there's someone that no matter how hard you try you can't get rid of? Well Arty woman was that person.
She vaguely knew my guitarist at the time Will, who for some reason, probably politeness kept inviting her to perform.
I think she was Canadian. I'd remember but she was so fucking annoying that I spent most of the time hiding in a corner and avoiding her.
I've never seen anything like it. It's like her only influences were Yoko Ono and raving lunatics. One time her 'performance' involved screaming for a minute, then smashing a lamp up with a stick. I think some chav insulted her and she never came back. Cheers Will.
* Dhillon hammered.
Mildy famous for always being in every pub ever, 'Power Drinker' Dhillon is kind of a local celebrity. For about the first 50 times I met him he introduced himself to me as if it was the first time. It's only recently that he knows who I am. It's taken 7 years.
So anyway, Dhillon came in one night with a heavy cold. He'd already fallen into the mic stand about 5 times earlier in the night but I put him on anyway because I'd heard his harmonica before and it was pretty good.
Not that night... He mumbled something incoherent down the mic played about 10 seconds of harmonica then kept blowing his nose on the mic. I took him off stage at which point he picked up a dirty pint that had been sitting there all afternoon with ash floating in the top and necked it. We kicked him out. I actually now consider him a bit of a mate...Hi Dhillon.
* The 'you're doing it all wrong you fucking dick' duo
This pair of twonks came in a couple of times. Musically they were quite good, but the singer, this blond guy seemed to treat his mate like he was his slave. He was just completely nasty to him when he made even the smallest mistake. Like proper going for it. It was cringeworthy.
He stopped in a song and went 'What the fuck are you doing, you fucking dick! That's wrong, if you can't get it right don't play'...The other guy just took it (and apologised). Unbelievable. I've never seen anyone treat anyone so badly. He was like the Ike Turner of open mics.
* The Diva
This bloke came to New Con to play. The first thing he says is 'how much does this gig pay?'...Now I'm not adverse to suggesting to a manager that someone is good enough to do a paid slot but I'd never met the guy. When I said it's an open mic he was weirdly off with me for the rest of the night and left straight after his set (which was quite average). He never came back. Good riddance. I see him busking sometimes. He thinks he's fucking amazing. I don't know, but then some people think Frank Turner is amazing so it's a funny world.
* Nick Card
Nick introduced himself to me in about 2007 and started coming to my nights doing this 'performance poetry' thing.
Fair play like but his subject matter to be honest seemed a bit Tory'esque. Most of his poems appeared to revolve around picking fun out of people on council estates, Russell Brand'y style impersonations of thuggish lager lout lads and single mothers. Kind of like Paul and Pauline Calf but shitter.
This seemed to go down quite well with very middle classed drinkers but he had absolutely no idea how to gauge his audience.
I know this for one reason, and one reason alone...
..He did that exact set. Including this one piece about a filthy bloke that lives on a council estate and loads of quips about hooligans...In front of five members of the Leeds Utd Service Crew who were drinking Stella at the bar....To their face!
I can't actually believe that it happened. It's just not done.
I thought they were just going to pull out a butterfly knife and slit his throat in the middle of the pub. They went up to him and had a right go. Nick was actually nearly crying. I never saw him again. Hopefully he survived.
* The Gruesome Twosome
Two guys got up one night. I've rarely seen drunker.
They get up on stage, fuck up every song like 5 times, then they have a massive row in the middle of their set.
Shortly after this the singer falls on my loop station setting off the recording. Then he falls on it again setting off a loop really loud (quite impressive to fall on the same pedal twice I thought).. Including the beat which is in complete dissonance to the song that they are playing (that they've already stopped twice)..
...at which point the bass guy throws his bass on the floor which booms out the speakers with feedback,and storms out but not before spinning around, wrapping himself in the lead (which I had to untangle from his legs heavily delaying his statement of departure making him look a total idiot) and there's about 5 seconds of shock and surprise, then some laughing from punters.
The singer came back in sheepishly the next week and bought me a pint. Brilliant. I personally loved it.
* The Hardcore Prog Art, Sweet Throwing Lunatics.
These two seemingly normal blokes come in with about 30 pedals and loads of leads and adaptors and say they want to do something.
I put them on. They take about 25 minutes to set up and there's people leaving the bar so I hurry them up and they get a bit weird about it.
When they finally switch on it's quite possibly the worst thing I could ever imagine. Like death metal, but with crazy synth stuff, and the 'singer' just screaming out about everyone being 'fucking c**ts!'..Awful. Then suddenly, both members of the act in some surreal weird move pull out a couple of plastic morrisons bags and start flinging miniature heroes around the room. There's chocolate everywhere. At which point Al Leeming out of my band who gets hit by a flying miniature fudge bar picks a load of them up and chucks them back at the act who are rounding off their set by chucking more chocolate over their heads....Bonkers.
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