None Towns

"None towns". You will definitely have heard of them, you may be from one. You definitely know someone from one. They're everywhere! You can't escape the fuckers!

Now I'm not saying I'm above none towns. I'm from Wolverhampton. I used to say I was from a None Town until my sister threatened to disown me for being too good for my own kind so I'll just say I'm from somewhere that could be considered from an outside perspective a None Town. I don't personally consider Wolves a none town which I'll come to later when I talk about 'The Real None Towns', there's a little clue above in the photo. There are some places in the U.K that I truly do not understand the point of which is pretty much why I'm writing this spiel. Anyway,  Nicola's rage and that slight tangent aside lets just say I'm not from a massive thriving Metropolis so lets just pretend I do consider myself from a None Town which therefore qualifies me in understanding where I'm coming from on this subject.



There are a few things you'll notice if you are from a None Town that people from bigger cities or acceptable towns don't seem to even notice:

The positives


When you tell someone from an 'acceptable city' like Manchester, Liverpool, Brum, or London that you are from a None Town a very strange thing happens. They absolutely and always come back with 'Bit rough there isn't it?' or 'rather you than me! haha' It's such a weird reaction this. It's rarely smackable though as the person saying it seems totally oblivious that they are being horrifically insulting to your heritage.  Possibly the crappest insult I've ever had was 'What's ever come out of Wolverhampton eh? That's possibly the most ignorant thing I've ever heard considering it's slap bang in the middle of the Black Country, one of the most active and progressive industrial conurbations of the Industrial revolution in the entire world, and also the place that put that lock on your door. (wanker).. Incidentally I didn't say all that, I thought it but came out with something like 'er, locks?' and he said 'Bet you need them there as well with all the robberies!? Clearly this guy thinks that the whole of Wolves looks like that stretch between Wolverhampton and Birmingham New Street Station's, and doesn't realise that I grew up in a leafy village next to a golf course and a church, but still accents do carry their stereotypes.



Loads of famous people come from None Towns, for example, Blur were from Colchester. Read the Wikipedia page for it and you'll know what I mean. It was big news during the er..the Roman conquest but fuck all has happened there for about 140 years other than Blur and my brother going to uni there. Read it. The Victorian and modern history of the place is laughably dull. I almost think they made up the earthquake of 1884 and chucked it in there to throw at least something interesting into the mix. Anyway Damon and co are from there. Paul Weller, sounds cockney as fuck to me, nah, Woking...So much of a None Town that a housing estate has made it on to their Wikipedia page as a massive part of the entire write-up...Oh it does have the oldest mosque in the U.K so I suppose that's something. Hardly Mecca though.  The Stones, Dartford. They have a tunnel and I stayed in a Travel Lodge near there recently that smelled of sweat. Winner. Anyway, this all sounds quite negative, but I'm thinking None Towns breed talent, they must. What the fuck else is there to do other than sing about how grubby everything is (well in two of the cases as the Stones were too busy pretending to be American)



None Towns tend to have quite good chip shops. I'm not going to go into massive detail on this but they do... Believe me, chips in Bilston. The bollocks.



 None towns often have a railway station that is stuck on a major line so you can get to a big city easily.. This also comes up in negatives by the way. I'm simply looking from the point of a None Towner in this bit.


 None Towns make going anywhere else this massive adventure. If you are from a big city and you go to another big city you're like ' Oh, right, I'm in another big city, great' If you are from a None Town it's fucking amazing. I was in Leeds once with a guy from home and he was so excited that we have Subway's on every corner I think he thought it was another dimension. I was in a bar at about 1am this one time with a lad from a None Town and he kept needing me to reassure him that it was still open. He had a sip of his pint and had this massive grin and kept shaking his head with delight and tapping his watch. At one point he celebrated in Tim Henman fashion when we found out the bar was serving til two. That must feel great. I can't ever remember being that impressed about something ever. When I visit None towns it feels like going back in time. The pubs shut at 11pm on weekdays and half 10 on a Sunday. Occasionally you'll get one that's open until 12 where of course everyone flocks to, and they are usually absolutely abhorrent, pumping out banging house music and full of blokes that will definitely without a doubt be wearing a checked Ben Sherman shirt.  Other than that most None Town centre's in the week totally die a death. This is one reason I had to leave Wolves. I'm a musician and a Beerist. I can't be done with going home at eleven o clock after a gig, that's just ridiculous even if I can get a top shelf kebab on the way home.
 

The negatives



The nightlife in None Towns is really insular and usually terrible. You can have a good night in a None Town but only if you are from there, or are going out with someone from there. If you just randomly decide to have a night out in a None Town it's laughably bad

 For example I went out in Wakefield, None Town extraordinaire one night and really needed the toilet. I went in this place called ' The Bedroom' which looked like I could imagine the Dry Bar would look in Manchester if it'd been hit by a bomb and had the budget of a South American sweatshop worker. I went to the loo anyway, one of them metal pans which made me automatically think this place respects it's clientele as much as a prison population respects a convicted paedophile. If it wasn't bad enough that I had the runs in Wakey the toilet fell off the wall and started spraying water in the air. I hope to fuck the person before me had flushed because I was absolutely soaked. I had to have an entire night out in Wakey probably covered in someone's piss and shit or worse. Even my hair was wet and the hand dryer didn't work so I had to spend about an hour until I could find somewhere with a hand dryer looking like a complete greasy Diego.It got worse. When I got home I actually found a piece of papier Mache'd bog roll which appeared  to be chemically bonded to the back of my coat. I'd walked around like that, with bog roll stuck to my back for the whole night.  No wonder people think the Black Country's rough, we walk around stinking of piss with bog roll stuck on our backs.

I have loads of memories of stupid things that happen when I go out in None Towns. It's like for some reason ridiculous things happen in none towns, like the time I went out in Stroud, Gloucestershire, went to a nightclub and there was a massive Alsatian wandering about in there. I think these obscure things happen there to give people like something to talk about.

Willy Wonka towns!!

Ok, so I'm probably being a bit harsh about some towns and small cities in the U.K but this is only because of something else. Something I call 'Real' None towns. By this as I've said before, places I don't even understand why they exist. They are a menace. They appear to have no purpose whatsoever and are just there to be annoying. This comes to light mostly when you are on a train. I just don't know why main line routes stop at these Willy Wonka stops. There's absolutely no point in these stops at all. Noboby ever gets on....And nobody ever gets off!

For example, why when I'm going from Leeds to New Street do I need to stop at Chesterfield? Why? It's a complete Willy Wonkarer that stop. It's ridiculous. You get it on the National Express as well. Chesterfield. The driver stops there for ages as well. I think it's because his brain slightly melts when he gets to Chesterfield. The coach station is even called 'Chesterfield Interchange'. I've never seen anyone 'change' there especially in any kind of capacity that would require it having an 'Inter' in the title. I had to get off at Chesterfield once and I was the only person anywhere in sight for about 10 minutes. It was like a really really shit small town version of that bit in 28 Days later where the guy wakes up in London and it's deserted. It was weird. It was like the town was closed. There's so little to do in Chesterfield that they once again have to have something ridiculous in order to make it have a point. It's got a wonky church spire like something out of Harry Potter. Definitely put there by the Chesterfield tourist board that thing. it doesn't belong. It's like putting a medieval castle in the middle of  Queen's Square in Wolves. Madness. There's worse than Chesterfield though. Dewsbury! It's comically a mainline station, Trans- Pennine express, York to Manchester Picadilly you have to take a massive detour round the houses in order to go to fucking Dewsbury. I got stuck there once waiting for a train. I couldn't even find a pub open. Absolutely stupid. Also that Emo shit band My Dying Bride are from there so fuck Dewsbury and all who sink in her.

What is the point of these places? You get one on the way to Liverpool as well. Runcorn. Runcorn's claims to fame are a massive Bridge, which to be fair isn't even in Runcorn it's just tagged as being Runcorn to give it something to talk about, a load of horrible stinking chemical factories and not much else. I think what has recently made Runcorn even more detestable is that they based that absolutely appalling sitcom Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps there. To be fair to that programme though it got it right, Runcorn, thick blokes and bost up birds. Where is it as well? It's not Liverpool, it's not Manchester it's just well.. Nothing, like Macclesfield. Another classic. Total None town bollocks. Waste of space main line Willy Wonka stop bullshit. Bet they have good chip shops!! Let's hope in case I get stuck there sometime to change trains.

I'm thinking McCartney could make a few quid out of the current 'big news' story!


Let me tell you how it will be
Taxman!!!
No sausage roll, no Ainsley's tea
Taxman!!!
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman

Should your pasty slice appear too small
Taxman!!!
Be thankful I don't take it all
Taxman!!!
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah I'm the taxman

If you eat hot cross, I'll tax the bun,
If it's Greggs for tea, I'll tax your mum.
I like pasties too I've told the nation,
Though it's doubtful it was from Leeds station..

Tax man!!!!

Don't ask me what I want for tea
Taxman!!!
This microwave don't come for free!
Taxman!!!

'Cause I'm the Taxman, yeah, I'm the Taxman

Now my advice for those who dine
Taxman!!!
That sarnie's cold so you'll be fine!
Taxman!!!
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
And you're working for no one but Davey C!

What's going on with legwear these days? I can't understand it. I got so annoyed with it a few years ago I started a thread on a public forum about it, which has directly led me to starting this blog about Leeds and why it's 'hip to be cool'

I think the main thing that's kicked off my idea for Leeds and how it thinks it needs to be cool is the arrival of these monstrosities as seen on Thunder Thighs so fetchingly above. Shiny leggings. I've only noticed these in the past few months hit the streets of Leeds but I have to say, and I think most people are with me here, they are ridiculous. Not only in gold and silver, but even the standard black. Makes the girl wearing it look like she's just off to audition for Fame, or Cats in the West-End. They are absolutely ludicrous. I saw a girl the other day in a silver leather jacket and a pair of silver leggings. She looked like Jimmy Somerville in that You Make me Feel (Mighty Real) video. That one where he's massively camping it up on the moon. (Genius vid, ridiculous clothes)

I used to be a busker in Leeds city centre. Not a glamorous job but it paid the bills for a while. It also gave me about six hours a day to stand around and do my favorite thing. 'People watching'.

I've always been a keen people watcher, and growing up in the Black Country this usually revolved around pointing at chavs with skinheads but a bit of hair left at the front in a tuft wearing full trackies and socks pulled over them at the ankle, or shaking my head at tramps who've passed out in shop doorways and shat their pants. Of course these characters also appear in Leeds, especially on Briggate on a Saturday afternoon. Now I'm not saying it's everyone in Leeds, as you get out of the city centre everything slowly starts to resemble normality, but there's something about Leeds city centre fashion I find intriguing, and somewhat ridiculous. It tries too hard! So hard in fact that at times I think the circus is coming to town.

You see the difference between Wolverhampton and Leeds is we never thought we were cool. We never had to be cool, we don't need to. We like beer, take aways, sex, football, catchy songs that everyone can sing along to and occasionally going somewhere warm on holiday. We never attempted to be anything else, and I don't think we ever cared about it. In fact in some ways we are behind the rest of the country with fashion and music, eg. I think skinny jeans hit Wolves about two years ago!But that's what we are like, and we couldn't give a toss to be honest.

Coming from this to West Yorkshires finest having thought that everyone was a bit like me came as a bit of a shock......

.....Leeds thinks for some reason more than any other major city I've ever been to it has to be cool as fuck in order to be liked by everyone else. Therefore it's city centre fashion has to adopt the guise to show this off to the rest of the U.K.  apparently this on occasion requires dressing like a shit B movie spacewoman, or a backing dancer from the MC Hammer video archive.
Now, I'm not just being harsh to the place. I love Leeds, it's brilliant, but it's definitely not as cool as it thinks it is. I think some people in Leeds think we are living in some kind of Neo-Carnaby street  in the 60's Sub-Londonite Utopia and therefore have to dress as ludicrously as possible in order to fit this 'cool' image they are desperately trying to convince everyone about.

I don't think people that actually live in Leeds realise what's going on. I've always found people from here appear blinkered to the negatives of the city and it's social culture, music and general attiitude becasue they are trying so desperately to be seen  as cool by everyone else. I think this inadvertantly has let them slide in a few areas that other less cool towns and cities thrive on.

You see there are some things that none towns (something I'll discuss in another rant later) and none-cool cities really do better than Leeds does. Leeds appears to have let these things slide while it's doing it's hair in the mirror. You have to bear with me here, obviously this is me, so a lot of these are food gripes but we'll get them out in the air:

1. Kebabs - A kebab to a drunken man is like an angel. It's a ray of light at the end of the night. Such a paradise exists in Wolves where back in the day  my mates Andy and Dave and I like a shit version of the three kings in the Bible would leave Blast off on a Saturday night and follow the star, well more likely the crowd of idiots falling over down to Chapel Ash, haven of all that is good in the kebab world. Brum, Manchester, Sheffield, Edinburgh, they've all got similarly brilliant kebab house areas.

Leeds is different. Basically kebabs in Leeds are shite. Absolutely terrible. So bad in fact that I barely know anyone that ever eats them which has forced them into this weird pizza culture. Pizzas are big news here. I reckon there's more pizza shops in Leeds than there are anything else. This is solely because the kebab is not even an option here. I think the meat is made from rat. The chips up here in general are pale greasy horrible things and they don't do sauces properly so pizzas are the big draw at the end of the night. Pizzas in Leeds are absolutely amazing and also comically cheap. For a pollo special in Leeds I pay £4.50. I ordered the same pizza in Sheffield a few months ago. A tenner!...And it was far far shitter. Leeds could quite possibly be the unknown pizza capital of the U.K.

When you order a kebab in Leeds you get two options, both are given at the same time, it's not even a sentence 'Saladchillisauce?' Neither are worth it. the salad here will basically be a tonne of soggy old onion that's been lying around for about ten hours, and for some reason raw grated carrot. It's just dire, and the chilli sauce? Well that's something else. They seem to have this stuff in all the kebab shops here. It consists of what appears to be chopped tomatoes blended with a load of chilli powder and served with a ladle from a metal pot. It's weird. it doesn't work and I can't believe it ever caught on.. Shite. They don't even have those green chillis in most kebab shops. It's fully lame...Oh, and the chicken kebab meat. I think there's about three skwewered chicken meat shops in the whole city. Usually you get this odd dry chicken tikka, also out of a metal pot. Crap.

If you're still bothering to read this then you're probably wondering what kebab shops have to do with being cool. Well it's this....

There are a few passable kebab shops in Leeds, but people here are too cool to call them kebab shops, they are all a bit too Internationalist so they have to be something better than kebab shops. Now people don't have kebabs for £4 with chips and chilli and mayo, they have a Shawarma for £8!! It's not a kebab, it's a fucking shawarma apparently, you can't call it a kebab. That's not cool. It's not the Leeds way. Basically what a shwarama is is er..It's a kebab that's been given this poncy foreign name because were in Leeds and it has to be cooler than just a kebab house. Fucking Shawarma.. Pretentious bollocks....But at least you can get a green pickled chilli!

2.Curry, Leeds are terrible at it, but I'll save that for another spiel because it's a long rant. Put it this way, Leeds folk haven't got a fucking clue, I had a chicken tikka masala here once, hot as molten lava spicewise and brown in colour. Serve that in most cities and the waiter would get it on his head

3.Music. Leeds has spent so long trying to be cutting edge musically that it's actually destroying its own scene. if you write normal catchy pop songs in Leeds they won't look twice at you. You have to be some kind of weird freak to be considered part of the cool crew. Anyone that's anyone that plays in Leeds will notice that you only actually get any attention as a Leeds act when you play out of Leeds. It speaks for itself really..Bollocks. It's sapped its own coolness by trying to be so avant garde that noone else gives a shit. A few bands break through this, Pulled Apart By Horses, Kaiser Chiefs, Pigeon Detective. The first of which were totally embraced by the 'scene' in Leeds and to be fair have done pretty well. I used to work with the guitar player, good lad, although my initial thoughts were what a fucking racket, and why the fuck would you want to have a song about punching a lion in the face? They've grown on me somewhat. Their riffs are ace, and if I can get past the horrible hanger on scenesters that surround them at local gigs I might bother to go and see them live again soon. The other two bands are absolutely hated by 'the scene' for some reason. Not very fair I don't think. Both bands have done well. Some people need to crawl out of their own arses put down their Shwarma and appreciate that these Leeds lads have done well.

I'm fed up of trying to be cool for now. I wear cheap aviators, have a shite phone and listen to classic rock music. In fact I don't think I'm even cool enough for this thread. I don't even own a pair of those flip flops with a Brazil flag on............

Springs in the air and I was just thinking about Summer..

As I was a a couple of *Single Hard Metallers just walked past the Rosebowl about 10 minutes ago. I say 'Single' Hard Metallers because of the footwear and a few other things. I'll explain later on.I think they were off somewhere to slaughter a lamb or something. Fair play to them like, it's pretty warm today and they haven't broken their style at all. You have to respect that at least a little.

The lad was about 6ft 9..Well actually he was probably about 5ft 9 but he had a pair of them Rok boot monstrosities on. You know the ones that only metallers that go in Games workshop wear. Metallers who's interests include heavy metal music and death but also collect comics and say they are really virgins because it's part of their religion as metal druids or something......They didn't exist when I was a double hard metaller back in the day. We wore Para boots. German ones...

Anyway, back on track. The massively tall one had one of those ankle length leather jackets that are only available in shops with names like 'Sanctum' or 'Hells Cauldron'...

(Alternatively to be fair you can get them in them leather jacket shops you get in markets, or in corners of shopping centres, and you never ever see anyone go in and out of them. You know, the ones called 'Cotswold leather' or ' Leather World' and the coats are like 400 quid, and there's always one of them 'Red Bull' motorcycle jackets on display in the window that you literally only ever see two types of people wear:

1. People with superbikes CBR's Kawasakis etc...

2. Young indian badass lad that wears aviator sunglasses at night and have their hair shaved very short at the sides, sometimes with a line of hair just above the hairline at the back and over the ears left slightly longer to make a neat border of hair.. It's definitely a look....)

The girl was wearing what can only be described as a straight jacket. It even had the sleeves, but the tie bits were hanging down at the sides. Very strange... Then the usual ripped tights and a pair of weird small biker boots...This must be the Metaller summer-wear catologue making it's entrance on the streets of Leeds!

*Double hard metaller: Someone that truly has the full metal image. Often old skool, they've been wearing this stuff since their early teenage years. Often have metaller parents and know things like 'petiole oil keeps your leather jackets soft' etc..They are usually sound as fuck, but at concerts for some reason have this facade that they are fighting at a riot...

DHM music of taste: Usually a DHM has a good grasp of the old classics of rock regardless of age they like Megadeth, Metallica, Slayer, etc..Most often heavier stuff as well, and they tend to love newer but still DHM acceptable bands like Lamb of God, or bands usually with something like 'Necro' in the name. Double hard metallers will usually have just an active love life and social life as normal people as to be fair being a proper rocker has it's benefits, it's always been looked upon as being quite cool so there's always blokes that fancy DHM girls and vice versa.

DHM music: Megadeth, Metallica, Sabbath, bands with Necro in the name, Lamb of God.

Hobbies: Playing in their band, going to the Fenton, sometimes the Angel, or in Wolves the Giffard.

Favorite tipple: Jack Daniels (or better) Newcastle Brown., going to gigs chatting to their mates and getting very drunk.

* Single Hard metaller - Often confused with double hard metallers to the untrained eye but a single metaller is different. Usually far more tragic. They really overtry the fashion thing and miss the point of what they are trying to achieve. They'll usually work in jobs like IT or at Games workshop and in their pursuit of being cool totally miss the target by about 100 miles and look like utter twonks.

SHM music: Limp Bizkit, Papa Roach, Bullet for my Valentine, any band with whiney emo vocals then a vain attempt to do grind vocals badly.

Hobbies: World of Warcraft, comics, games workshop, sitting around in bedrooms even at the age of 35 talking about horror films.

Favorite tipple: lager. They're not very imaginative.

THE 23p CAN SCANDAL!!!!!!!!

I find it amusing (and somewhat annoying) when you're reading an article on this possible forthcoming anti binge drinking legislation and they try to use 'shock tactics' on booze pricing in order to scare us into believing that we can get drunk for next to nothing from a supermarket. I read yesterday in Metro ' A 440 can of Asda's 'Smartprice' lager sells for 23p!!!!!!' *cue shock and horror amongst the middle aged "only during communion" demographic.

These people are cretins. I'm not saying there's not a drinking problem in the UK but that is the shittest example chosen specifically to try and persuade people that booze is comically cheap ever, and they pull it out of the closet every time there's this debate. After reading that paper I then heard some fucking old goit on the news basically making a really blase off the cuff comment suggesting that due to these ludicrous prices people are getting drunk on less than a pound.

You can't say that. It's inaccurate with absolutely no fact to back it up. You can't get drunk on 66p or whatever she said you could in my experience. However people are getting away with just saying crap like this because as alcohol is seen as something that is harmful you can say whatever you want against it,but as soon as you say anything 'for it' the people that are trying to pass the legislation automatically reach for the statistics to back themselves up as saviours of keeping Britain healthy!

Here's the truth about the 23p can in my opinion. It may not necessarily be true and I'm not even suggesting it is but from being around beer a lot I have far more experience than some MP on the telly that probably has half a lager on Christmas day:

I don't know how many of you are utter lightweights but has anyone ever tried getting drunk on Savers lager? It's 2.2%. You literally can't get drunk on it. It's impossible. Alcohol-wise you'd have to drink about 30 cans to feel even tipsy, by which point you've flushed so much water through your system you will have urinated all the booze out. I reckon you could drink 12 cans of that stuff and pass a breath test driving. Like I say, could be bollocks but I know from personal experience I doubt it is. In fact I think at some point I'll prove it. (not sure I could get through 12 cans of piss water though.)

Basically what I'm trying to say is, if you work in the house of commons and you haven't got a fucking clue about peoples drinking habits, don't make condescending comments about their culture, you've never lived it! Stick to your fucking half a shandy.