None Towns

"None towns". You will definitely have heard of them, you may be from one. You definitely know someone from one. They're everywhere! You can't escape the fuckers!

Now I'm not saying I'm above none towns. I'm from Wolverhampton. I used to say I was from a None Town until my sister threatened to disown me for being too good for my own kind so I'll just say I'm from somewhere that could be considered from an outside perspective a None Town. I don't personally consider Wolves a none town which I'll come to later when I talk about 'The Real None Towns', there's a little clue above in the photo. There are some places in the U.K that I truly do not understand the point of which is pretty much why I'm writing this spiel. Anyway,  Nicola's rage and that slight tangent aside lets just say I'm not from a massive thriving Metropolis so lets just pretend I do consider myself from a None Town which therefore qualifies me in understanding where I'm coming from on this subject.



There are a few things you'll notice if you are from a None Town that people from bigger cities or acceptable towns don't seem to even notice:

The positives


When you tell someone from an 'acceptable city' like Manchester, Liverpool, Brum, or London that you are from a None Town a very strange thing happens. They absolutely and always come back with 'Bit rough there isn't it?' or 'rather you than me! haha' It's such a weird reaction this. It's rarely smackable though as the person saying it seems totally oblivious that they are being horrifically insulting to your heritage.  Possibly the crappest insult I've ever had was 'What's ever come out of Wolverhampton eh? That's possibly the most ignorant thing I've ever heard considering it's slap bang in the middle of the Black Country, one of the most active and progressive industrial conurbations of the Industrial revolution in the entire world, and also the place that put that lock on your door. (wanker).. Incidentally I didn't say all that, I thought it but came out with something like 'er, locks?' and he said 'Bet you need them there as well with all the robberies!? Clearly this guy thinks that the whole of Wolves looks like that stretch between Wolverhampton and Birmingham New Street Station's, and doesn't realise that I grew up in a leafy village next to a golf course and a church, but still accents do carry their stereotypes.



Loads of famous people come from None Towns, for example, Blur were from Colchester. Read the Wikipedia page for it and you'll know what I mean. It was big news during the er..the Roman conquest but fuck all has happened there for about 140 years other than Blur and my brother going to uni there. Read it. The Victorian and modern history of the place is laughably dull. I almost think they made up the earthquake of 1884 and chucked it in there to throw at least something interesting into the mix. Anyway Damon and co are from there. Paul Weller, sounds cockney as fuck to me, nah, Woking...So much of a None Town that a housing estate has made it on to their Wikipedia page as a massive part of the entire write-up...Oh it does have the oldest mosque in the U.K so I suppose that's something. Hardly Mecca though.  The Stones, Dartford. They have a tunnel and I stayed in a Travel Lodge near there recently that smelled of sweat. Winner. Anyway, this all sounds quite negative, but I'm thinking None Towns breed talent, they must. What the fuck else is there to do other than sing about how grubby everything is (well in two of the cases as the Stones were too busy pretending to be American)



None Towns tend to have quite good chip shops. I'm not going to go into massive detail on this but they do... Believe me, chips in Bilston. The bollocks.



 None towns often have a railway station that is stuck on a major line so you can get to a big city easily.. This also comes up in negatives by the way. I'm simply looking from the point of a None Towner in this bit.


 None Towns make going anywhere else this massive adventure. If you are from a big city and you go to another big city you're like ' Oh, right, I'm in another big city, great' If you are from a None Town it's fucking amazing. I was in Leeds once with a guy from home and he was so excited that we have Subway's on every corner I think he thought it was another dimension. I was in a bar at about 1am this one time with a lad from a None Town and he kept needing me to reassure him that it was still open. He had a sip of his pint and had this massive grin and kept shaking his head with delight and tapping his watch. At one point he celebrated in Tim Henman fashion when we found out the bar was serving til two. That must feel great. I can't ever remember being that impressed about something ever. When I visit None towns it feels like going back in time. The pubs shut at 11pm on weekdays and half 10 on a Sunday. Occasionally you'll get one that's open until 12 where of course everyone flocks to, and they are usually absolutely abhorrent, pumping out banging house music and full of blokes that will definitely without a doubt be wearing a checked Ben Sherman shirt.  Other than that most None Town centre's in the week totally die a death. This is one reason I had to leave Wolves. I'm a musician and a Beerist. I can't be done with going home at eleven o clock after a gig, that's just ridiculous even if I can get a top shelf kebab on the way home.
 

The negatives



The nightlife in None Towns is really insular and usually terrible. You can have a good night in a None Town but only if you are from there, or are going out with someone from there. If you just randomly decide to have a night out in a None Town it's laughably bad

 For example I went out in Wakefield, None Town extraordinaire one night and really needed the toilet. I went in this place called ' The Bedroom' which looked like I could imagine the Dry Bar would look in Manchester if it'd been hit by a bomb and had the budget of a South American sweatshop worker. I went to the loo anyway, one of them metal pans which made me automatically think this place respects it's clientele as much as a prison population respects a convicted paedophile. If it wasn't bad enough that I had the runs in Wakey the toilet fell off the wall and started spraying water in the air. I hope to fuck the person before me had flushed because I was absolutely soaked. I had to have an entire night out in Wakey probably covered in someone's piss and shit or worse. Even my hair was wet and the hand dryer didn't work so I had to spend about an hour until I could find somewhere with a hand dryer looking like a complete greasy Diego.It got worse. When I got home I actually found a piece of papier Mache'd bog roll which appeared  to be chemically bonded to the back of my coat. I'd walked around like that, with bog roll stuck to my back for the whole night.  No wonder people think the Black Country's rough, we walk around stinking of piss with bog roll stuck on our backs.

I have loads of memories of stupid things that happen when I go out in None Towns. It's like for some reason ridiculous things happen in none towns, like the time I went out in Stroud, Gloucestershire, went to a nightclub and there was a massive Alsatian wandering about in there. I think these obscure things happen there to give people like something to talk about.

Willy Wonka towns!!

Ok, so I'm probably being a bit harsh about some towns and small cities in the U.K but this is only because of something else. Something I call 'Real' None towns. By this as I've said before, places I don't even understand why they exist. They are a menace. They appear to have no purpose whatsoever and are just there to be annoying. This comes to light mostly when you are on a train. I just don't know why main line routes stop at these Willy Wonka stops. There's absolutely no point in these stops at all. Noboby ever gets on....And nobody ever gets off!

For example, why when I'm going from Leeds to New Street do I need to stop at Chesterfield? Why? It's a complete Willy Wonkarer that stop. It's ridiculous. You get it on the National Express as well. Chesterfield. The driver stops there for ages as well. I think it's because his brain slightly melts when he gets to Chesterfield. The coach station is even called 'Chesterfield Interchange'. I've never seen anyone 'change' there especially in any kind of capacity that would require it having an 'Inter' in the title. I had to get off at Chesterfield once and I was the only person anywhere in sight for about 10 minutes. It was like a really really shit small town version of that bit in 28 Days later where the guy wakes up in London and it's deserted. It was weird. It was like the town was closed. There's so little to do in Chesterfield that they once again have to have something ridiculous in order to make it have a point. It's got a wonky church spire like something out of Harry Potter. Definitely put there by the Chesterfield tourist board that thing. it doesn't belong. It's like putting a medieval castle in the middle of  Queen's Square in Wolves. Madness. There's worse than Chesterfield though. Dewsbury! It's comically a mainline station, Trans- Pennine express, York to Manchester Picadilly you have to take a massive detour round the houses in order to go to fucking Dewsbury. I got stuck there once waiting for a train. I couldn't even find a pub open. Absolutely stupid. Also that Emo shit band My Dying Bride are from there so fuck Dewsbury and all who sink in her.

What is the point of these places? You get one on the way to Liverpool as well. Runcorn. Runcorn's claims to fame are a massive Bridge, which to be fair isn't even in Runcorn it's just tagged as being Runcorn to give it something to talk about, a load of horrible stinking chemical factories and not much else. I think what has recently made Runcorn even more detestable is that they based that absolutely appalling sitcom Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps there. To be fair to that programme though it got it right, Runcorn, thick blokes and bost up birds. Where is it as well? It's not Liverpool, it's not Manchester it's just well.. Nothing, like Macclesfield. Another classic. Total None town bollocks. Waste of space main line Willy Wonka stop bullshit. Bet they have good chip shops!! Let's hope in case I get stuck there sometime to change trains.